When I dream, I dream impossible things.

            Sometimes at three a.m. I'm still awake. Wide eyed, thinking. Sometimes it's anxious, overthinking, sometimes it's imagining impossible things like standing in front of a glacier, publishing a book, standing in the Louvre in Paris, starting my own sustainable, vegan business.

             So I dream impossible things, I can't help it. I can't imagine doing just one thing, I want to serve people, I want to make art, I want to travel, I want to try new things, I want to build a business with my best friend, I want to build a darkroom and teach the dying art of film photography to as many people as I can.

             A few months ago I had a string of nights where I couldn't sleep and it got to the point where I couldn't rest until I got everything that was in my head onto paper. I rationalize things better when it's on paper rather than just stuck in my head, and everything I wrote down that night were things I wanted to do...

- adopt a plant based/vegan diet
- take yoga more seriously, become a certified instructor
- own a holistic wellness store with my best friend - also make it sustainable, eco-friendly, vegan
- start shooting in film again, build a dark room, teach others film
- learn spanish
- learn sign language
- travel
- travel
- travel
- see a glacier
- blog more
- make lots of art
- love others
- run a gallery, or sell art, others and my own
- flip a house
- learn to cook and bake
- learn how to use chopsticks, properly
- have a healthy relationship with my body (and my mind)
- save money
- drink water only
- write a book
- publish a book
- go to Alaska
- go to Spain again
- truly, truly love myself and others

            I also have dreams for others, for fortitude, perseverance, love... I have dreams for the world, that we can save it, work against the damage we've created. These things sometimes seem impossible, too, to me, but I'm always going to work for them, even if just to keep the sleepness nights away...

            And to quote Taylor Swift: don't you see starlight? don't you dream impossible things?
                                  So what are some "impossible" dreams of yours?

            This week I did something I haven't done in years. I painted (and actually finished) a painting. And although I'm sure I'll look back and realize how poor of a job I did, today when I look at it I'm actually really, really proud of it.

            And beyond that, I simply loved how it felt to paint again.


            I've always felt a deep connection with art. I come from a family full of drawers, painters, potters, carvers, writers, musicians... Think of something creative, and there's someone in my family that's likely mastered it. But I've always held myself back. I mean, I was creative at every opportunity, but I never believed in myself. I've always seen so much more talent in my family than in me...and to this day I'm still so intimated by their talent.

            But I got to thinking... Most of them have been doing art their whole lives, they didn't make a business of it or even become successful at it over night. They applied themselves, spending hours a day dedicating their time to their craft.

            I had a strong urge to watercolor. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. When I was younger my aunt taught me some about it, and I'm sure I learned more about it in the dozen of art courses I took though out my schooling, but sitting their with a blank paper, a coffee mug filled with water, and my new paints, I felt clueless. But I absolutely loved it once the brush hit the paper, I loved the freedom of it. I loved how you could manipulate every curve and edge of paint even after it had dried. I just kept adding color and water until it became something I was happy with...


            I decided then that art was something I wanted to again make a priority. And I have been, I've been crafting more, drawing more, painting...and I've honestly felt more like myself than I have in a long time...

Forgiving Myself

Two little words hit me this week.

Forgive yourself.

            And I realized quickly just how much I actually hold over my head. I always assume that when things don't go right, it entirely has something to do with my actions. I caused it, it's my fault. And even more wild, sometimes I'll manage to turn something that couldn't possibly be because of me or my actions and somehow make it my fault. I overthink, I break things down to minuscule things and I find a reason for all of it and somewhere in the middle I find myself to blame. This is where I need to let go. I have no ownership of the things I have no control over, and it's important that I let go of uncertainties and hand my fear over to God. It's important that I gain trust in the universe, in God.

             I hold my anxiety and depression over my head. I'm now at a point in my life where I'm no longer as effected by those two things, but it's still something I live in the past about. I worry if I let anxiety and depression hold me back. I worry if I allowed them to let me quit things or even not try in the first place. I worry about the possibility of my depression and anxiety getting bad again, I sometimes find myself even steering away from good opportunities because I fear the anxiety it could cause if it doesn't work out.

           I hold my fear of disappointing others over my head. I get sick over the idea of not living up to other's expectations of me. Even though I'm blessed to have the most supportive and hardworking family I could have ever asked for, I allow myself to think that I couldn't possibly be good enough for them.

            I hold my fear of failure over myself...and sometimes that fear is so strong that it keeps me from moving. In psychology, you'll learn about the whole fight or flight when it comes to fear. But there's a third F, one not always talked about. Your fear immobilizes you, you're frozen.

          I hold my inability to always heal everyone I meet over my head. I meet people and I want to do everything I can to replenish their energy, even if I use up mine to do so. I want to see them smile, see them believe in the magic of the universe, in themselves - I'm continuously in the pursuit of this and it's one of the bits about me I'm most proud of. But I'm also a people pleaser by nature and sometimes it's self-destructive and regardless I don't have the power to fix people. It's a hard lesson I've had to learn, but the truth is people can only change if they are willing to put forth the effort themselves. I make it my mission in any relationship to help them heal, but I have to gently remind myself that I don't have that kind of power to fix them, only God does. God created the universe and there's no reason he can't create change in our lives, too.

            I hold the loss of my strongest friendships over my head. Even though it's a part of growing up and in retrospect I've really only lost two close friends (neither of which were anyone's fault), I still hold it over my head. I wonder what I could have done differently, if they'd still be a big part of my life. I guess I should preface that I've always valued quality over quantity, I'm a huge introvert who formerly suffered from pretty bad social anxiety, and there are a very few number of people I've ever been real close to. I even hold that I'm not more outgoing and social over my head. I'm a wanderlust soul who's a homebody, I'm an empath who internalizes everything - my brain is basically a paradox and it's totally the INFJ in me...

            I hold the fact that my life isn't going according to how I'd thought or hoped it would over my head. How crazy is that? I mean, of course it's not going to go the way I planned, not when there's so much peace and joy waiting for me in God's plan for me. But I still hold it over my head, the fact that I've never been in love, the fact that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, the fact that my dreams seem impossibly unreachable...

          By not forgiving myself, I'm living in the past and I'm not moving forward. I'm letting fear continue to get the best of me. I'm allowing my anxiety to come creeping back in, because I'm quite sure that most of what I've talked about in this post is the root of my anxieties. How can I heal in any shape or form if I'm not willing to forgive myself and let go? How could I be living my best life, as they say, if I'm still holding on to old demons. When I started writing, I had no idea where this was going (it was all a big brain dump), but I honestly didn't realize how much I was holding onto until I started writing. I swear writing is like therapy for me. The things I wrote about are things I really can't speak outlaid about. I struggle to find the words for what I'm feeling, but writing about it comes easy. I can be vulnerable when I write and that's about it.

            If you're feeling brave, I encourage you to write down the things you need to forgive yourself for, too. I think you'll be surprised at what revelations your writing brings you. The universe was definitely prompting me towards forgiveness and I learned so much about myself in turn.