This week I did something I haven't done in years. I painted (and actually finished) a painting. And although I'm sure I'll look back and realize how poor of a job I did, today when I look at it I'm actually really, really proud of it.

            And beyond that, I simply loved how it felt to paint again.


            I've always felt a deep connection with art. I come from a family full of drawers, painters, potters, carvers, writers, musicians... Think of something creative, and there's someone in my family that's likely mastered it. But I've always held myself back. I mean, I was creative at every opportunity, but I never believed in myself. I've always seen so much more talent in my family than in me...and to this day I'm still so intimated by their talent.

            But I got to thinking... Most of them have been doing art their whole lives, they didn't make a business of it or even become successful at it over night. They applied themselves, spending hours a day dedicating their time to their craft.

            I had a strong urge to watercolor. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. When I was younger my aunt taught me some about it, and I'm sure I learned more about it in the dozen of art courses I took though out my schooling, but sitting their with a blank paper, a coffee mug filled with water, and my new paints, I felt clueless. But I absolutely loved it once the brush hit the paper, I loved the freedom of it. I loved how you could manipulate every curve and edge of paint even after it had dried. I just kept adding color and water until it became something I was happy with...


            I decided then that art was something I wanted to again make a priority. And I have been, I've been crafting more, drawing more, painting...and I've honestly felt more like myself than I have in a long time...

Forgiving Myself

Two little words hit me this week.

Forgive yourself.

            And I realized quickly just how much I actually hold over my head. I always assume that when things don't go right, it entirely has something to do with my actions. I caused it, it's my fault. And even more wild, sometimes I'll manage to turn something that couldn't possibly be because of me or my actions and somehow make it my fault. I overthink, I break things down to minuscule things and I find a reason for all of it and somewhere in the middle I find myself to blame. This is where I need to let go. I have no ownership of the things I have no control over, and it's important that I let go of uncertainties and hand my fear over to God. It's important that I gain trust in the universe, in God.

             I hold my anxiety and depression over my head. I'm now at a point in my life where I'm no longer as effected by those two things, but it's still something I live in the past about. I worry if I let anxiety and depression hold me back. I worry if I allowed them to let me quit things or even not try in the first place. I worry about the possibility of my depression and anxiety getting bad again, I sometimes find myself even steering away from good opportunities because I fear the anxiety it could cause if it doesn't work out.

           I hold my fear of disappointing others over my head. I get sick over the idea of not living up to other's expectations of me. Even though I'm blessed to have the most supportive and hardworking family I could have ever asked for, I allow myself to think that I couldn't possibly be good enough for them.

            I hold my fear of failure over myself...and sometimes that fear is so strong that it keeps me from moving. In psychology, you'll learn about the whole fight or flight when it comes to fear. But there's a third F, one not always talked about. Your fear immobilizes you, you're frozen.

          I hold my inability to always heal everyone I meet over my head. I meet people and I want to do everything I can to replenish their energy, even if I use up mine to do so. I want to see them smile, see them believe in the magic of the universe, in themselves - I'm continuously in the pursuit of this and it's one of the bits about me I'm most proud of. But I'm also a people pleaser by nature and sometimes it's self-destructive and regardless I don't have the power to fix people. It's a hard lesson I've had to learn, but the truth is people can only change if they are willing to put forth the effort themselves. I make it my mission in any relationship to help them heal, but I have to gently remind myself that I don't have that kind of power to fix them, only God does. God created the universe and there's no reason he can't create change in our lives, too.

            I hold the loss of my strongest friendships over my head. Even though it's a part of growing up and in retrospect I've really only lost two close friends (neither of which were anyone's fault), I still hold it over my head. I wonder what I could have done differently, if they'd still be a big part of my life. I guess I should preface that I've always valued quality over quantity, I'm a huge introvert who formerly suffered from pretty bad social anxiety, and there are a very few number of people I've ever been real close to. I even hold that I'm not more outgoing and social over my head. I'm a wanderlust soul who's a homebody, I'm an empath who internalizes everything - my brain is basically a paradox and it's totally the INFJ in me...

            I hold the fact that my life isn't going according to how I'd thought or hoped it would over my head. How crazy is that? I mean, of course it's not going to go the way I planned, not when there's so much peace and joy waiting for me in God's plan for me. But I still hold it over my head, the fact that I've never been in love, the fact that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, the fact that my dreams seem impossibly unreachable...

          By not forgiving myself, I'm living in the past and I'm not moving forward. I'm letting fear continue to get the best of me. I'm allowing my anxiety to come creeping back in, because I'm quite sure that most of what I've talked about in this post is the root of my anxieties. How can I heal in any shape or form if I'm not willing to forgive myself and let go? How could I be living my best life, as they say, if I'm still holding on to old demons. When I started writing, I had no idea where this was going (it was all a big brain dump), but I honestly didn't realize how much I was holding onto until I started writing. I swear writing is like therapy for me. The things I wrote about are things I really can't speak outlaid about. I struggle to find the words for what I'm feeling, but writing about it comes easy. I can be vulnerable when I write and that's about it.

            If you're feeling brave, I encourage you to write down the things you need to forgive yourself for, too. I think you'll be surprised at what revelations your writing brings you. The universe was definitely prompting me towards forgiveness and I learned so much about myself in turn.

            The special thing about hammocking though (and it's not something you can quite discover until you try it yourself) is where it takes you. And not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally, too. And that is something I full-heartedly believe...

• climbing into a hammock is spending time with mother nature.
• fresh air is one of the best medicines out there. I swear it's like an entire detox for your whole body when you can get outside and away from the noise.
• it's a perfect opportunity to meet God than right in the middle of His creations, you can see all the beauty and effort He put into every single thing out there, including you.
• there's no better place to pull energy from than the eternal source that is nature. There is no finite source of good energy in nature. You can pull and pull and pull as you need and be fully rejuvenated the moment you find the way in which you need to spend time in nature. For some people it's hiking a mountain, others a walk through the park, some a coffee on their porch in the mornings, some tending to a garden, and some from their hammock with a good book. Whatever it is, it's out there among the trees and the wildflowers.

            So what takes you outdoors? For me it always involves a camera, a notebook, and a hammock, but I'd love to hear what you've found to be passionate about out in the wilderness... Let me know in the comments below!

            Don't mind me, over here jumping up and down for joy that it is finally September. I feel as if I finally find myself again when September hits and I find that spark I've been searching for all through the hot and humid summer months (I am not a summer person, if you can't tell). Anyways, today I felt really encouraged to set some intentions for the next few months, intentions that I hope will already be apart of my routine by the new year.

• read more. I don't want to put a number on it, but I really would like to make an effort to always carry a book with me and always give a part of my time each day to read some.
• write more. I also definitely want to put more time into this little blog as well as the stories that are inside my head.
• a hundred days project. If you haven't heard of the hundred days project, it's when you pick a skill you want to improve on and you work on it everyday for a hundred days. I have a few ideas, but I would really like to start on it in the next few months.
• drink more water.  I would love to get in the habit again of choosing water over other beverages, which I know if I set my mind to it for just a few short weeks I'll be back to being a full time water drinker. 
• dive more into natural, intentional living. I'm slowly but surely getting rid of all the toxic products in my home and replacing them with natural and healthier alternatives. By the new year I hope I can look at my home and truly see that I've been intentional with this goal.
• join young living. If you haven't heard of Young Living, from the sounds of it and from what I've researched it's a pretty incredible company all about essential oils and natural, non toxic products. I'm currently in the midst of saving up the extra money to invest in it.
• paint more. I actually painted and completed a painting this week for the first time in I don't know how long, and I can't put into words how filling it was. 
• practice gratitude. I want to be more mindful of the things I'm blessed to have in my life and practice gratitude as often as I can. Gratitude = Joy.
• work on my relationship with Christ. I want to be more intentional with my time with the Lord and how I let that shine out in my actions.