Forgiving Myself
...a deeply personal brain dump...
Two little words hit me this week.
Forgive yourself.
And I realized quickly just how much I actually hold over my head. I always assume that when things don't go right, it entirely has something to do with my actions. I caused it, it's my fault. And even more wild, sometimes I'll manage to turn something that couldn't possibly be because of me or my actions and somehow make it my fault. I overthink, I break things down to minuscule things and I find a reason for all of it and somewhere in the middle I find myself to blame. This is where I need to let go. I have no ownership of the things I have no control over, and it's important that I let go of uncertainties and hand my fear over to God. It's important that I gain trust in the universe, in God.
I hold my anxiety and depression over my head. I'm now at a point in my life where I'm no longer as effected by those two things, but it's still something I live in the past about. I worry if I let anxiety and depression hold me back. I worry if I allowed them to let me quit things or even not try in the first place. I worry about the possibility of my depression and anxiety getting bad again, I sometimes find myself even steering away from good opportunities because I fear the anxiety it could cause if it doesn't work out.
I hold my fear of disappointing others over my head. I get sick over the idea of not living up to other's expectations of me. Even though I'm blessed to have the most supportive and hardworking family I could have ever asked for, I allow myself to think that I couldn't possibly be good enough for them.
I hold my fear of failure over myself...and sometimes that fear is so strong that it keeps me from moving. In psychology, you'll learn about the whole fight or flight when it comes to fear. But there's a third F, one not always talked about. Your fear immobilizes you, you're frozen.
I hold my inability to always heal everyone I meet over my head. I meet people and I want to do everything I can to replenish their energy, even if I use up mine to do so. I want to see them smile, see them believe in the magic of the universe, in themselves - I'm continuously in the pursuit of this and it's one of the bits about me I'm most proud of. But I'm also a people pleaser by nature and sometimes it's self-destructive and regardless I don't have the power to fix people. It's a hard lesson I've had to learn, but the truth is people can only change if they are willing to put forth the effort themselves. I make it my mission in any relationship to help them heal, but I have to gently remind myself that I don't have that kind of power to fix them, only God does. God created the universe and there's no reason he can't create change in our lives, too.
I hold the loss of my strongest friendships over my head. Even though it's a part of growing up and in retrospect I've really only lost two close friends (neither of which were anyone's fault), I still hold it over my head. I wonder what I could have done differently, if they'd still be a big part of my life. I guess I should preface that I've always valued quality over quantity, I'm a huge introvert who formerly suffered from pretty bad social anxiety, and there are a very few number of people I've ever been real close to. I even hold that I'm not more outgoing and social over my head. I'm a wanderlust soul who's a homebody, I'm an empath who internalizes everything - my brain is basically a paradox and it's totally the INFJ in me...
I hold the fact that my life isn't going according to how I'd thought or hoped it would over my head. How crazy is that? I mean, of course it's not going to go the way I planned, not when there's so much peace and joy waiting for me in God's plan for me. But I still hold it over my head, the fact that I've never been in love, the fact that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, the fact that my dreams seem impossibly unreachable...
By not forgiving myself, I'm living in the past and I'm not moving forward. I'm letting fear continue to get the best of me. I'm allowing my anxiety to come creeping back in, because I'm quite sure that most of what I've talked about in this post is the root of my anxieties. How can I heal in any shape or form if I'm not willing to forgive myself and let go? How could I be living my best life, as they say, if I'm still holding on to old demons. When I started writing, I had no idea where this was going (it was all a big brain dump), but I honestly didn't realize how much I was holding onto until I started writing. I swear writing is like therapy for me. The things I wrote about are things I really can't speak outlaid about. I struggle to find the words for what I'm feeling, but writing about it comes easy. I can be vulnerable when I write and that's about it.
If you're feeling brave, I encourage you to write down the things you need to forgive yourself for, too. I think you'll be surprised at what revelations your writing brings you. The universe was definitely prompting me towards forgiveness and I learned so much about myself in turn.
“I have learned, that the person I have to ask for forgiveness from the most is: myself.
You must love yourself. You have to forgive yourself, everyday, whenever you remember
a shortcoming, a flaw, you have to tell yourself "That's just fine". You have to forgive yourself
so much, until you don't even see those things anymore. Because that's what love is like.”
- C. JoyBell C.
With love, S.
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